Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
