remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
