She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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