get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
