Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
