I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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