I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
