My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
