so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
