I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
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Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
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At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
the liver wants what the liver wants
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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