I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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