So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
