I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
