I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
