Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wish you could order shots online.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
