I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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