Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
