Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
