I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
