sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
