So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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