And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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