The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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