I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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