I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
