Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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