I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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