WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
