Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
