After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
