Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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