The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
