I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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