my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
