gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
