Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
