The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
