Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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