For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
sex in a hospital.. check
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
