Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I touched a dick in church today
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
