i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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