My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
