ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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