I showed him my bush... on skype.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
