grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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