I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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