I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
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You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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