is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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