break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Holy sore nipples Batman
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
