i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
