I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
