mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
