i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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