I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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