She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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