I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
