I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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